2003-08-30 - 10:13 a.m.

mood | exhausted

I think I've been fighting a cold for the past week, and I'm losing that battle. Staying up late playing EQ or watching movies with Shannon probably isn't helping. But I can't just work and sleep. Of course, now, I Can work, sleep, and sneeze. Which sucks with a sore throat.

I looked out the window at the falling rain and I thought about the world that's changed around me. It's not that I haven't changed; the world and God have changed me, and I've changed to adapt to my situations and surroundings. Just like anyone else would. And I know people's perceptions of me has changed, for better and/or for worse. But some things never change.

My last entry (before the battle cry) spoke of changes. I think that one, in particular, is more due to a mutual shift in perspective and the seperation via traumatic experience and mutual woundings. To break it down a bit easier, we hurt each other deeply, and each of us left the other to lick their wounds on their own, rather than helping each other the way friends that care about each other should. While I believe that anything is possible in this world... that nothing is beyond the power of God, and the power we each have, the power of mind and heart and bone and muscle... I wonder sometimes if, like the seemingly inevitable cold, I'm fighting a losing battle.

But that doesn't mean I'm going to quit.

My sister told me, when I was dealing with the bills & creditors, that I "must'nt run away." Yes, it's an Evangelion quote, but a good one. And appropriate. My past is repleat with situations were I could have made more of an effort, where something could have been done on my part that wasn't for whatever reason. In some of these experiences, I look back at what has happened, and the repurcussions that are still being dealt with, and wonder what kind of world I'm creating for my daughter, and what kind of example I'm making for her.

I can almost hear my wife telling me how silly I'm being. That I'm a good man and all I've ever wanted is the best for everyone, even those that have hurt me. But there are doubts and demons that, some days, are very hard to shake.

This just might be one of those days.

Which spoils a perfectly good dark sky and falling rain.

I'd rather play in the rain than brood under it.

Cold & Rainy

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