2003-10-25 - 10:16 a.m.

[ mood | working ]

[ music | P.O.D., "Will You" ]

Well, after two consecutive days off, I can definitely say that I'd rather be writing.

I've finally gotten a rhythm down, and am writing at least a page a day, rather than the former sporadic spurts. I've had a lot of the plot of the novel in my head for a LONG time... wrote the first manuscript of it back in junior high, for crying out loud. But the big reason I say this is I didn't have to go into an office, punch into a time clock, put up with stupid people, tow some silly corporate line, or evaluate myself or endure other people's evaluations. My writing is a lot more defensible than my occasional tardiness & lethargy. And I think it's getting better.

So is my role-playing, especially my storytelling. Of course, I'm getting help with Rob on that score. It's odd, I think EQ might have helped a bit on that score. I haven't been able to play much lately, and this weekend I don't think I'll be playing at all. I know my friends will miss me, but there really are more important things, and it's not like the server's going to vaporize on me. It was just fun for me to tabletop last night, and I think all the players did well. The last couple times I've felt a little off-balance as far as that's concerned, but last night felt better. I've gotten some fresh ideas, for role-playing in general and the LARP in particular.

There's a lot revolving around the Cos LARP. I'm going to have an easier time with things, and people will feel better in general, as I'm phasing out my current NPCs, every single one. This means saying good-bye to some characters that I'm attached to, but it's not that big of a deal. I'm sure those manifestations of my consciousness will show up again somewhere down the road. I remember Rob saying that we, the STs, will want to play on occasion, and he's provided some help with that, at least for next event. I have a few ideas as well, but I'm trying hard to get into the habit of running things past the more experienced STs for fear of jumping the gun or letting things get out of hand. I just have to remember that most people are having fun no matter what, and not everyone has a beef with me.

I'm still dealing with a lot of insecurity. I find myself scrambling to try and meet some phantasmal expectation of my wife. I have trouble telling when she's kidding and when she's serious sometimes. I tend to take everything seriously and rush to bow to her wishes. I guess some of my past experiences made me feel that I had to be some kind of indentured servant as opposed to a partner. But Shannon told me, "This is a marriage. We're supposed to work together on this... don't think you have to do every little thing I tell you." I think she feels like she has to de-program me to some degree, and I can't say I disagree. It's hard to get out of certain thought patterns. Shannon is the kind of woman that, rather than thinking the world owes her something and simply waiting for the world to pay up, works to get what she wants out of the world and tries to give something back at the same time. She's in a place that many other people (and I can name a few...) should be, would like to be, and maybe (one can hope) will actually arrive someday.

I have to agree with Liz, I'm not sure I'm too keen on Shannon's parents visiting as often as they will. Shannon and I will have to work that much harder to make sure Brooke knows who her parents are. I'm glad our apartment is clean and our cupboards are full now. It'll give them less to compain about. And I'm going to shut up before I say more about this, because it's a lot of negativity I don't want to spread around or get smacked around for.

I do my best to be a positive force. It's hard sometimes, when I've been hurt or someone I care about is suffering, to not get sour and petty like everyone else seems to from time to time. But I know that it's not my lot in life to be just another jaded suburbanite. There's something more for me in this life, and I feel I'm getting closer to it with every line I type. It's something I kept losing sight of, but maybe with this new stability, with a loving wife and an adoring daughter, I can finally keep my eyes on the prize. And it's not about the money or the reknown or even about rubbing it in people's faces. It's about the doors that will open, the dreams that will come true. It's about the feeling I've had since junior high that I was meant for something different, something more than most people strive for, something beyond what some would have dragged me down and away from. I thank God for the balance, and I pray I can help to maintain it, both in my life and in the lives of others.

It's not even a matter of going out to find something to bridge that gap. It's just a matter of knowing where to look. And sometimes, what you're looking for is right in front of your nose.

The only way anyone can truly fail is by giving up.

Balance

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