2003-12-16 - 11:59 a.m.

[ mood | determined ]

"When you understand yourself and you understand your opponent you cannot be defeated." - Miyamoto Musashi

I'm trying, very hard, to understand.

I firmly believe that there is nothing the human spirit cannot accomplish. We're part of the Divine, after all. God made us, and loves each and every one of us. He put a little bit of His infinite spirit inside of us. Thus we have a source of power and strength that is always there for us that we can draw from.

But our bodies rail against us. They want to be here on Earth, not up in Heaven. They are rooted in the animal, in the genetic material from which we've been created. The clay of our being tends to run counter to the animus of our spirits. If that makes any sense. Hence the saying "The spirit is willing but the flesh is weak."

It's just difficult when she looks at me like there's no possible way I can understand or help. When she treats me like an obstacle rather than a supporter. I know half the time she doesn't even mean it, that she's not totally aware of what she's saying. So I try not to fight back. Most of the time I try very hard not to let on that something she's said or done has deeply hurt me. I give her all the space I can and try to make things easier for her. And half the time I end up making things worse.

I'm sure part of this is self-imposed guilt, the idea that I am inadequate and I'm doing something wrong which is why she acts the way she does or why it seems that I'm not helping her. But I know for certain that these feelings are temporary and I can overcome them.

And I further know that I can't give up.

It's not even a matter of choice anymore. I simply can't. There is too much love involved to just walk away from it. And there is duty to consider. The oath I took before God, my wife, and all the witnesses. An oath I took out of love, which ties it back into that deep feeling that keeps me in the fight, no matter how many times she might knock me into a corner or put me to the mat.

I just need to keep getting back up.

Maybe it is a matter of choice. I just choose to keep fighting.

I will keep trying to understand. But I think I already understand the important parts.

She loves me enough to keep trying, and I love her enough to keep getting back up.

I guess it really is that simple.

Understanding

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