2004-01-17 - 12:03 p.m.

[ mood | determined ]

I've been trying to write more. Maybe the managers cracking down on my time off the phones has helped me get motivated to get published and escape. Interesting that Ed highlighted my skills and the need the company has for me, while Spinetti played the heavy and basically said if it happens again I might get fired.

He's a decent guy but he's a putz. I'd like to set him on fire to see if he'd remember to stop drop and roll, or if he'd scream because his football jersey is burning.

Anyway.

I have our first staff meeting for the COSCon LARP happening today. An honest-to-goodness staff meeting. I have notes, and everything. I don't want to be too hard-nosed about things, but I do have a definite idea of how things should run and I think it's for the betterment of all. Also I think it's pretty much in line with what the founders of the game had in mind, I just want to codify things a bit more. Not as much as the Cam (rules-lawyering power-mongering bastards...), but certainly not as fluid & open-to-player-interpretation as previous Cons. This is a game, and there are rules.

I've had some drawn-out conversations with Shannon. From my guilt complex to our feelings about other people. I can count on one hand the number of people that I've been able to be so open and honest with, and not feel afraid of the repercussions. And none of them have been as upfront and (occasionally) downright blunt about their feelings for me as Shannon. I know where I stand with her. Sometimes, in my haze & miasma when I'm deluded by self-recrimination, I have doubts. But she puts them to rest when she realizes I'm lost in my own head again. When I'm drowning in my own fear and doubt I tend to flail about some, and she can reach down and pull me up when I can't do it myself.

I wish I could say she didn't have to pull me out much.

But I'm more in touch with myself. I'm aware of certain thoughts and impulses, and I'm getting better at controlling them. I think some people blame God when they don't get an immediate response to a prayer. But not everything God does happens in an eyeblink. Sometimes change takes time, longer than some people are willing to wait. And it's always better to change for oneself, rather than for someone else.

Sure, I still hate myself some days. But I do like myself a lot more now than I have in a while.

Even the parts I'd rather not share with the world at large. They're a part of me, and I accept them.

Back to saving the world, one idiotic question buzzing in my ear at a time.

Oh, and.

I was asked once why I play evil characters when I'm such a good person.

There are reasons.

But I'd rather they remain a mystery for the most part...

Saturday Morning Reflection

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